I started this post two weeks ago..

     I started this post two weeks ago.. and then I got the feeling that I sometimes do where I'm like, "fuck everything..." , after that I do nothing positive or in line with what I would if I was in my right mind....  I like how I write these things as if someone is actually reading them. I should probably put information on here that you'd normally have to pay for or something equivalent to the amount of time you might have spent perusing my blabs... I actually came to the realization a few days ago that I might be bipolar... like, really bipolar. Hmm..I'm going to see if the VA can tell me whether I qualify for any medical benefits.. cause I doubt there is any other way I'll be able to see a doc for this. Anyway... I figured I'd pick this back up. Its not like its killing me to release all of these words onto the internet. Deuces Folks  

-Anicus-

My Quest for Power

     This might sound crazy, but when I look at my life, I can see that almost everything that I ever did was an attempt to gain power. (in the most general of terms) I've seen and experienced so many things, good and bad, because I wanted power. ...Let me define power first.. Power-noun- The ability to do something or act in a particular way.. 

     Politicians have power, but thats not really the power that I'm looking for. I don't value or view authority as anything other than something that is recognized by a majority as "something" 

     I've wanted the kind of power that you see your favorite super heroes using, the kind of unnatural power said to be possessed by  some of the strongest military forces like the Navy Seals and Marines, or the power that the true believers in God and our savior Jesus Christ have, and even the power that the practitioners of magic and demonic communication have.. I've wanted this kind of power for quite a while now. .. My attempts to acquire it have taken me to the military... to universities and colleges.. to spiritualism and satanic worship..and its taken me to the Bible and to church too. 

     To me, being human, is being "just" human... and that isn't good enough for me.. we're weak the way that we are now... and stupid.. things that kill us today like cancer, disease, time..anything that you can think of .. I want power over those things.. I'm entirely content with dying at any point in time because if God finds me acceptable in his sight.. I will have partially achieved my goal.. Who knows.. I could get to heaven and realize that there was never really anything spectacular about the so called "power" that I risked my life, limb, and salvation for from the beginning.. 

-Anicus

Oops.. Almost forgot to do this

I write to express myself.. I don't really do it so others can read what I've written. I really wish my other skills were this is easy to utilize.. I like running, flipping, and climbing everywhere but I don't do it because someone will report me to authorities for disturbing the peace or I because I'm out of shape at the moment and getting injured would only impede my progress further. I want to continue doing this so that I can practice being more consistent....Actually, I'd like to focus more on developing all of my abilities ..I'm not just going to write on this anymore.. I'm going to post music, videos, and pictures in addition to my writing.

-Anicus

https://www.youtube.com/user/blackday97  -This is my youtube channel.. I may actually start doing weekly videos at some point..

Things I don't like..

I don't like making people wait..or rather I don't like it when people wait for me. 

I don't like feeling as though someone that I'm talking to has more important things to do than "wasting their time" with me. 

I don't like not being perfect..(even though its pretty much impossible), this matter feeds my dissatisfaction for the most part.

 I don't like society.. or what I mean is ..I refuse to accept the majority's viewpoint on any issue without first evaluating the facts for myself. 

I don't like it when girls wear makeup all the time... I know what makeup looks like.. >_< show me your face!!..Imagine if I walked around with a mask on all the time.. like I was up to something.O_O creepy right.. ?  

I don't like make up work.. or having to catch up on  anything that I let slip because I didn't care.

 I don't like what happens when your hobby becomes your occupation.... and you begin to hate it.. even though you get paid to do it. 

I don't like money... What I mean by that is.. I don't like the idea that THE MAN with the printer can print it and not prove to me that there is anything of value  tied to it.. like.. I don't  know ..gold or something?

 I don't like the exclusive sports and entertainment industries.. its not fair >_< ..You need loads of MONEY and the RIGHT CONTACTS just to experience a taste from the inside.. like professional racing and basketball/ football .. the movie and music industry even.

Aaaand..the FDA can find the nearest knob and slob on it.. I don't like where nutrition in this country has taken us. They regulate and control almost everything that you can buy and eat..

I don't like not being in control of things that should be under my control.. nuff said..

-Anicus

Even though I'm legally an adult now..all I want to do is run away from home..

     Sometimes I feel like walking away from everything... I mean this quite literally. I want to forget about what society says I should be, what my parents want me to be, and just pick a direction and begin walking..No credit cards, money, identification, or cell phones.. No distractions..Maybe then I'll find purpose... You might say, "why would you want to do that?"

     I don't have any other real long term goal other than not burning here on this planet after the second coming of Jesus Christ... But I find myself struggling to stay on track. There are so many things that I want to do that I know, based on my morals, I can't or shouldn't do and an even greater number of things that I really don't want to do in this life. I honestly feel that almost everything about life, as we know it, is cheap and short-lived. The things that used to be good especially..like marriage and education, the arts like music, and drawing, and cooking..even healthful living and church and truth.. It all seems a bit skewed and unnatural...

     I grew up being called crazy and, to be honest, I don't mind at all.. I'm pretty sure that there is some mental disorder in the DSM5, or whatever number they're on now, that describes an individual who would rather be totally isolated than cope with a complete lack of interest in a normal life, (as society would describe normal). I'm also sure that you'll find a mental disorder of sorts that describes a person who is blinded by an irrational but comfortable outlook on any given subject simply because "everyone else" is doing it too..

     If I ever disappear, this will most likely be why. I'll take my bible with me and some clothes and necessities for self sustained living.. The only thing keeping me here is the idea that God has blessed me with so much that so many others do not have.. I would hate to appear before God in the end and hear him ask me what I did with what he gave me.. So .. if I ever do up and disappear,  just know that I did it with every intention of returning as better and more Christ-like individual..

If  anyone reads this, please  pray for me..I feel so lost sometimes, without a sense of direction and I often find that I have very little interest  in "anything". I'm looking for clarity and purpose..they're so seemingly elusive though >_<

- Anicus

Sometimes I do things just for the sake of doing something.

I was supposed to write yesterday but I totally forgot. .. Anyway, writing is one of the things that I just do sometimes and like the title says; I do things just to do things. Some of my best  moments so far and some of my worst started like that. I liked a girl and made up my mind that I wouldn't talk to her about it until circumstances were better.. One day, for no real reason; I talked to her about it and we eventually started dating... It didn't end well..tho the ending of a relationship usually never is good; I think it happened the way it should have. The same goes for any other spontaneous outbursts that I've had over the years. Hmm..

Next time I'm going to look up the purpose of a blog an what it is for.. I just started doing this spontaneously too without really thinking about  it beforehand.

Here is something that I started and didn't finish..( i do that a lot)

I drew swastikas on everything...

          As a child, I used to draw skulls and swastikas on everything from my artwork to my lunch box... myself even.. I did that because I liked  the way that they looked..I didn't know that there was anything negative associated with them.. I saw them in movies that I was too young to comprehend and I thought swastikas looked really cool... I still do..^_^ My mother scolded me for doing it and I stopped.... for a while..

        It bothers me when people with wicked intentions take up symbols and words to represent themselves. It makes things socially difficult for artists like me. I want to use symbols and words to express and represent who I am and what I'm about...  I like shapes, intersecting lines and numbers. I like four letter words, creating words, and the idea of black as an actual color. I really enjoy analyzing conflicting statements, and the very essence of contradiction itself.. even if I'm the source of the contradiction... 

I don't really see the point in telling you about myself... or why I just did.. I enjoy writing though; so maybe I did it just to express my thoughts.

I don't know how these blog things work exactly, but if you're able to; feel free to leave a comment..

Did you ever do anything when you were a child that was seen as being inappropriate, like using foul language or drawing questionable things..? Do you still do these things? ..Why?